Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Days like these

Today, I saw a friend on Facebook who was marking the 7 mos. anniversary of her husband's death.  I wrote her a little note saying how inspirational she is for anyone who has lost a loved one, simply because she keeps on living day after day.  She stays strong for her children and then has her own time to fall apart.  I can't imagine losing Craig.  I can't even think about raising our children without him.  I know only a few women who've lost their husbands, and have young kids.  I know even fewer men that are in that situation.  My sorrow for this one friend in particular is within the same constant circle that spins as hope, inspiration, grief, anger, pity for her and then back to myself.  Why is it that I can always find something within my own life that in my mind can relate to other's struggles.  Is it because I want to comfort?  Is it due to some sort of selfishness that I WANT them to know I've struggled too?  Am I truly trying to be empathetic? I'd like to thing so.
For this same reason, I have thought about Mom today.  I keep thinking about the exact moment she revealed that she was going to die.  I was in complete disbelief.  It had always been "what's next", "where do we go from here".... always a waiting game hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Common sense always tells us that things could go badly, but you never let yourself get to the point.... Until it does.
I was so young, relatively speaking, compared to where I am in life experiences now.  I admit, I hadn't been around Mom as much as I feel like, now, I should have been.  There is that sense of regret.  I was pregnant with Charlie, Emi was just 2... I was wrapped up in my own life, and the fact that my mom was dying was present, but I never let it take me over.
So, then my mind goes to Dad.  What he must have been feeling.... where was he? He was there everyday, I know.... but for some reason I can't even picture him there.  How awful for him to be going through this and not have anyone to go to.  I wasn't there.... I was focused on HER.  My own loss was all I could think about.  I hope I can someday apologize the right way.  I know he'd say that never even has entered his mind, but it has for me.
I pray that I can continue to find inspiration through other's strengths.  And that I can look at every angle and be a support branch instead of trying to be the trunk.